Last night, I decided finally, FINALLY to let go. I hope I can stick with that decision, realizing that there are people, places, and things that just aren't in my best interest, that need to be "given away".
Letting go is hard for me, it always has been. It's something I've been working on recently with my therapist. Yep, I'm in therapy. Some of you already knew that. I'm grateful that even though she and I both know it's in my best interest to let go, at least when I haven't been able to, she doesn't judge me. Instead, she and I have worked really hard to find out what's at the root of it for me. Up until last week, we still weren't sure what was at the root of some of my "acting out", but I think we've discovered major pieces of the puzzle in the last few weeks, a major one we uncovered last week.
I've reluctantly concluded that by not letting go, I hurt others, but mainly, I hurt myself the most. It keeps me from moving forward. And I'm tired of all of this, tired of not actually "going through the shit" as my parents and a family friend says and then getting to actually live my life.
I think I deserve to be happy. Or at least there's this hope that I think I deserve to be happy. Someone used to tell me, "Breathe in God, breathe out fear." I think that's a pretty profound statement no matter what you believe religiously or spiritually. After all, I've remembered it for more than 10 years, and I can barely remember how I got here this morning. :)
I'm tired of chasing demons or having them chasing me. It's time to live the life I was meant to live. I'm not even sure what that means, but as I stated before, I'm hopeful it includes happiness, joy, and freedom from these demons of mine.
For those of you who know what I've been through, even just since the Fall, and why, I cannot thank you enough for your love and support. I have the best family and friends in the entire world.
*hugs*
Ang
4 comments:
Kudos to you Angie for being so brave to face your "stuff" and unpack things that are hard to look at. Let go and just be :)
Awwww, you just put tears in my eyes, girl! Thank you so very much, and coming from you especially, it means so much. It's been incredibly difficult, especially facing those who can't even begun to TRY to comprehend why I've done the things that I have. But they are also some of the same people I've hurt along the way, so I do understand why they hate me or feel nothing for me now. I'm not sure which, and it's really irrelevant anyway.
Thanks again. 41 years old, and still going through this shit...I wonder if it'll ever end, but I can't get towards enjoying the next 41 if I don't go through the shit. :)
Ang, it really is hard to let go of your "comfort blanket" as I call it because it has been there so long. Almost like its a fear to be happy, wondering if all the old stuff will come back. Been there myself (MANY times) and I can say that just to forgive myself was probably the hardest but the best thing I've done. You are brave and do deserve your happiness. Much love to you.
Thanks, Alisa, and there is a fear of being happy and successful. It's weird you mention that. I'm not sure I'm used to that which is why I sometimes sabotage stuff, even if unconsciously. I'll get to the forgiveness of myself and my actions eventually, or at least I HOPE I will. I'm thankful for another day without resorting to my past unhealthy actions.
It's a blessing!
:)
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